As a counsellor I can tell you that it’s not always easy speaking to Muslim narcissists and understanding how their minds work. However, spending time with them on a one-to-one basis has allowed me to enter their world, which has enabled me to help them and their victims too. People who are suffering from narcissism are victims of their own egos and internal dialogues that control their lives and actions. In my counselling sessions I help them to communicate their daily thoughts and how they can manage them so they can take control over them, instead of the other way around.
Narcissists who’ve been completely burnt out after entering many cycles of being outsmarted and hurt by people who stood up for themselves and caused them narcissistic injuries (i.e., smashed their egos and fragile self-worth), are usually the ones who look for an exit or escape from who they truly are. Narcissists heavily rely on the masks they get tired of wearing that reflect a grandiose representation of themselves that feeds their egos that are always hungry for validation. They have a large collection of masks that they wear around those whom they wish to deceive. For example, if they need to appear religious, they’ll wear that mask and if they need to appear financially successful, they’ll wear that one. The longer they practice wearing different masks and living a fake persona, the better they are at deceiving people. Anyone who’s read my book ‘The Muslim Narcissist’ will understand that narcissism comes from Satan, however, not everyone will understand why they prefer to take on Satanic characteristics than be more pious, moral and loved by everyone.
It is very difficult for someone who receives a lot of pleasure and benefits from their narcissism to want to change and become a better Muslim and person. For example, Muslims who openly sin and regularly commit the major sins do so because the validation and material rewards they receive from them far outweigh the rewards they receive from doing good for others, who may or may not appreciate their help and good deeds. Narcissists need instant gratification from the things they do, so that they can be enjoyed. This is one of the reasons why many Muslim narcissists are unable to repent to God, because they’re inpatient and have a need to know immediately if their prayers have been answered and that they’ll get what they want, if they pray for something specific. God has promised that He will always answer the prayers of someone who’s turned to Him, even if he or she is a non-Muslim human or jinn calling for His help. It may not be an immediate response, but it will be answered when He wills. We know this, because God answered the prayer of Iblis (Satan), when he asked Him to delay his punishment. God tells us about His conversation with Iblis when he refused to prostrate before Prophet Adam (as) on His command:
God said: "Then get out of Paradise; you are exiled and there shall be a curse upon you till the Day of Judgement."
Iblis then said: "My Lord! Grant me respite till the Day when they (humans) will be resurrected."
God replied: "For sure, you are granted respite until the Day of a known time."
Iblis then said: "My Lord! In the manner You led me to error, I will make things on earth seem attractive to them and lead all of them to error, except those of Your servants whom You have singled out for Yourself."
God said to him: "Here is the path that leads straight to Me. Over My true servants you will be able to exercise no power, your power will be confined to the sinning ones, those who choose to follow you. Surely Hell is the promised place for all of them."
Al-Qur’an (15: 34-44)
We learn a few things from Satan’s prayer request and negotiation with God. First of all, as Satan is a believer in God and The Last Day, his arrogance is the worst of all creation, as he preferred to accept that his fate will be in hell, over apologising and asking for forgiveness for his rebellion and refusal to prostrate to Prophet Adam (as), as the angels did. Here, we can see that it’s possible for a prayer to backfire on someone and become a curse for him or her, when its intention is wrong or evil. Statements and prayers that challenge God are also guaranteed to harm people. A famous example that comes to mind is the quote of Captain Edward John Smith of the Titanic who said “Even God Himself couldn’t sink this ship.”
God will only withhold a harmful prayer from someone who doesn’t know that what they’re asking for isn’t good for them.
“It could be that you dislike something, when it is good for you; and it could be that you like something when it is bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know.”
(Al-Qur’an, 2: 216)
Therefore, Satan’s wish was granted, even though it wasn’t good for him because he’d been in the presence of God and had seen Heaven and Hell, knew they were real and knew exactly what he was getting himself into. You’ll find that narcissists always believe that they’re incredibly clever and can outsmart people, only for it to backfire on them in one way or another, because they’re too arrogant to believe or acknowledge that God is watching them.
The second thing we notice from the conversation is that Satan blamed God for his rebellion and didn’t take accountability or responsibility for the choice he made. Due to his belief in pre-destined fate, He informed God that he’ll do everything in his power and abilities to corrupt His creation as revenge for “leading him astray” and causing him to be expelled from Paradise. Again, this is a very common trait found in almost all narcissists. They’re unable to face the shame, guilt and responsibilities of the wrong they do and the bad decisions they make and so they throw the blame on others to feel better about their situation and as a way of running from feeling those emotions. As this behaviour reflects Satan’s character, we can say that narcissists adopt it to get what they want from others.
“O children of Adam, let not Satan tempt you as he removed your parents from Paradise, stripping them of their clothing to show them their private parts. Indeed, he sees you, he and his tribe, from where you do not see them. Indeed, We have made the devils allies [and leaders] to those who do not believe.”
(Al-Qur’an, 7: 27)
Despite them being unable to connect emotionally with people, narcissists have an incredible ability to read people. They can spot vulnerable people miles away and know exactly who to take advantage of. However, narcissists have a major problem with understanding the emotions of other people and the hurt they cause them, which is why they’re so selfish. It is also the reason why reminders of The Day of Judgement, Hell and punishment for oppressors doesn’t really affect most of them. Muslim scholars all over the world preach and teach endlessly about the consequences of following Satan’s path of corruption, however it doesn’t affect the narcissists who, after many years of practice, are so advanced in their narcissism that it becomes irritating to hear Islamic lectures about change and reform. If the information entered the hearts of the majority of people, our societies would improve instead of get worse with the normalisation of major sins, rising divorce rates, fraud and domestic abuse cases. If and when narcissists do listen to Islamic lectures, they usually lean more towards very patriarchal and harsh Sheikhs who shout and come across as being very aggressive. They also use the teachings of these Sheikhs to instil fear in others, such as their children and wives and use misinterpreted Qur’an verses and Hadiths as a means of control. However, you’ll find that these same people don’t apply the Islamic teachings they support to themselves, because deep down they know they make life difficult. Using harsh interpretations of Islamic teachings to abuse others is a tactic many fraudulent/fake Muslims use (those who appear to be practicing but their true characters are the polar opposite of believing Muslims who love God). They like to prey on practicing Muslims whom they believe can be easily manipulated if they aren’t sufficiently educated about Islam and their rights. Narcissists assess from the first meeting whether someone is lonely, overly-apologetic, overly kind and co-dependent and if the likelihood of them being able to get everything they need is high whilst having full control over them. Some will target religious men and women, just for the challenge of breaking their values, beliefs and principles and making their victims believe that they’re awful people afterwards. Many people who got involved with narcissists and committed major sins continued that way as a result of losing hope in themselves and in the forgiveness of God.
Narcissists don’t care about using people to get their needs met and then discarding them afterwards like yesterday’s trash. They’ll take what they can get, even if it’s at the expense of their victim’s health, faith in God and well-being. They find committing crimes, such as fraud, zina, drug-dealing, rape and even murder easy, depending on how far they are in their narcissism. Low level narcissists may feel bad about doing this, but they’re still unable to treat people any better. In the best case scenario their guilt may cause them to just disappear and leave people alone.
I can’t count the number of women who have left Islam or are thinking of leaving Islam because of how Muslim men spiritually abused and manipulated them to get the control they want. Spiritual abuse falls under the umbrella of disturbing someone’s level of faith in God and harming them with misinterpreted religious teachings. For example, husbands who taunt and threaten their wives with getting a second wife, using it as a ‘God-card’ for punishment, fall into the category of spiritual abusers, as they’re now putting women in a position where they question their faith and resent God and The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) for the creation of specific rules. These Islamic rules are deliberately presented in a terrible way by narcissists to make it appear as though God dislikes women and favours men. Some women were even pushed to think about and attempt suicide because they were unable to leave toxic marriages, as a result of their husbands making divorce impossible and threatening to move abroad with their children. I mention men often here, as narcissism is primarily a problem found in men, but Muslim women can also be incredibly narcissistic and evil and also use Islam and spiritual abuse to manipulate and harm good men, especially financially.
So why would narcissists change if they’re getting everything they need (including forced respect, being feared and dictator-like power) from bullying, oppressing, abusing, deceiving and manipulating people? A Muslim man I spoke to recently during a counselling session told me that he hasn’t chosen to get married, because it’s very easy for him to manipulate women by turning on the charm and getting what he needs from them. To him, this is a much easier and quicker process than getting married. He’s managed to avoid all the “hassles” involved, with the belief that the haram is much better and more convenient for him than the halal. Despite this being easier for him, he has a lot of disrespect for women who allow him to treat them this way. This is also a way narcissistic people challenge God, when they believe that what God has forbidden them to do, is actually a hindrance to their progress and enjoyment of this life.
Due to this mindset they have, most of them won’t change because they’re comfortable with how things are for them and they can’t be bothered to improve, leave their old ways behind and get what they want from people “the harder way”. When other men and women, who have weak faith, see how much easier (and more fun) their lives are than theirs, they can become influenced and inspired to join them and this has led to the sharp rise of major sins being practiced publicly in our societies. It has also led to the removal of the hijab by many Muslim women and an increase in changing the creation of God with plastic surgery and other non-surgical trends, as a result of feminist Muslim influencers glamorising and normalising the removal of hijab and celebrating female beauty. Feminist Muslim influencers will abandon parts of their faith for worldly gain, such as fame, money, more collaborations and popularity among both Muslim and non-Muslim audiences and good people get influenced by their actions that are based on what they intend to benefit from personally and not for the greater good of our Muslim societies. It is important to note here that not everyone who majorly sins is a narcissist, but narcissists will drag as many people as they can into their sins with them, hence why they target empathic and practicing people who are their ‘fans’, a bit vulnerable, lonely and weak in their faith. Satan said:
“’And I will mislead them, and I will arouse in them [sinful] desires, and I will command them so they will slit the ears of cattle (In pre-Islamic Arabia, the pagans used to cut the ears of cattle as a mark of dedicating the animals to the idols they took as gods), and I will command them so they will change the creation of Allah.’ And whoever takes Satan as an ally instead of Allah has certainly sustained a clear loss.”
(Al-Qur’an, 4:119)
With that said, it’s important to acknowledge that narcissists aren’t the only ones to blame for the corruption of Muslim societies. Going back to what the Muslim man said earlier about the women he “uses”, many men and women whom narcissists target allow them to abuse and manipulate them to get their needs met. I say that they “allow them”, because if they didn’t, narcissists wouldn’t be able to inflict their abuse and oppression on those who stand up to them and reject them. However, as long as men and women are staying in relationships with abusive people and/or aren’t placing the correct and needed respect boundaries in place, narcissists will have full freedom to exercise their narcissism on others. If this man approached twenty women, for example, for a haram relationship and all of them said no, despite his charm, good-looks and financial success, it would force him to change and adopt a new strategy to get what he needs. This may not always be for the good, as the next step after that (in the wrong way) would be to get what he wants and needs by force, but if he’s not that far advanced in his narcissism or is a psychopath, the rejection of people who don’t allow him to exercise his narcissism on them could help him to back track and reduce it so that people accept him. It is the people around narcissists who can either fan their flames or put them out, to help them and help themselves. God informed Satan that the people who’ll follow him (the narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths), are the ones who’ll give him some power and authority, but if no one or very few people followed him, it may have been highly likely that a weak and helpless Iblis would’ve eventually turned back to God and repented.
Many narcissists don’t bother making the efforts to change because they believe they’re too damaged and have caused too much hurt and have committed too many sins to even know how to start repenting. The shame makes them run away from addressing their issues and taking accountability for them. As a result, most, if not all narcissists have no true connection with God. It’s only a minority who take the initiative to visit a counsellor and work through their issues with someone who doesn’t know them at all. Women I know who are married to narcissists are either extremely miserable, or exhausted from having to always make sure that their men ‘stay in line’ and are kept on their toes, so that they don’t transgress against their rights. It can almost become like a parent-child relationship, in which a child knows that if he or she was to misbehave, they’d be punished or have something valuable taken from them (narcissistic supply). However, if a child doesn’t fear a parent disciplining them when he or she misbehaves, then they won’t fear having anything taken away from them because they’re the ones in control of the situation. Therefore, narcissistic behaviour is learned behaviour from childhood and the relationship people have with their parents. When parents don’t ensure that their children face the consequences of the wrong they do, they set them up to develop satanic traits in their characters. These traits are then exercised in adulthood when narcissists search for people who, like their parent(s), won’t hold them accountable for their sins and bad behaviour. Despite the staggering amount of accessible Islamic knowledge out there in the world, narcissists are still being raised by parents who may be very practicing but are unaware of the detrimental affects their cultural and/or emotional parenting style has on their children. Children who are overly spoiled and get away with ‘murder’, because they’re the first born, golden child or the apple of his mother’s eye is an example of problematic parenting.
In order for our societies to repair and flourish, narcissists must learn how to be themselves and be loved for who they are, rather than the masks they wear. Many narcissists I helped only realised what they were missing in life when they changed their ways and became loved for the good they do, instead of hated by those who were hurt by them. It requires a high level of courage for someone to face their demons and choose a fate better than that of Iblis and to find the good they have within themselves that they can build on, because everyone has goodness within them that’s present as a seed that only needs to be fed to grow. You’ll find that even the worst dictators and tyrants of our time have a soft spot for their grandchildren or pet dog. God, in His ultimate mercy hasn’t created anyone to be purely evil, it’s us who choose our fate by watering the wrong seeds and as Muslims we’re all expected to help each other. Not everyone was blessed to be raised in the correct and healthy way and so it’s important that the judgment of others and how they turned out as adults is left only to God.
“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give Zakat and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those - Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.”
(Al-Qur’an, 9:71)
So, even though most narcissists won’t take the initiative to change their ways, by helping the narcissists in our communities to grow their good seeds, abandon their bad ones and preventing them from harming us and others, we’ll improve the state of our homes, marriages, families, societies and eventually the entire Ummah insha’Allah. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
"Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, ‘O Allah's Messenger! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?’ The Prophet (pbuh) said, ‘By preventing him from oppressing others.’”
(Sahih Al-Bukhari, 2444)
Mona Alyedreessy (PhD) is a British Muslim counsellor, coach and author of ‘The Muslim Narcissist’. Mona approaches the subject of narcissism and personality disorders from an Islamic psychological perspective to help narcissists and their victims understand and recover from their traumas. You can visit her website www.themuslimnarcissist.com and Facebook/Instagram pages @themuslimnarcissist for more information about her book and work.
Mona Alyedreessy (PhD) is a British Muslim counsellor, coach and author of ‘The Muslim Narcissist’. Mona approaches the subject of narcissism and personality disorders from an Islamic psychological perspective to help narcissists and their victims understand and recover from their traumas. You can visit her website www.themuslimnarcissist.com and Facebook/Instagram pages @themuslimnarcissist for more information about her book and work.
www.instagram.com/themuslimnarcissist
www.facebook.com/themuslimnarcissist
, subscribe to our newsletter. 
